Kung Fu Panda

Since the end of the day has arrived, and I have a few minutes on my hands (and my husband is still playing the Wii) I thought I would prepare the kind of post that people tell me they want to read.

The kind of split-your-seams laughing type of story that makes people come back and keep reading/feeling sorry for me.

On Saturday my wonderful husband built some shelving to go inside our garage - we need the organization badly. If you have kids, you know what I mean. The *stuff* is unending. Bikes, hoops, balls, trucks, scooters . . .

In order for him to do anything power tool related, Thing 1 and Thing 2 have to be removed from the premises. Otherwise they want to "help", in their own special ways.

So I decided to make the whole day run smoother by taking the Things (minus the third) to the theater to see Kung Fu Panda. Pete had seen the trailers a few times and was very excited to see it. Being an avid Ninja Turtles fan, he was oozing with excitement to see something martial arts related . . . on the big screen no less.

I checked online to see what time the movie started. Website says 2:00. Fine, we better leave at 1:30. As I'm running out the door with the boys, I realize David is potty training so I head back in to grab TWO fresh pairs of underwear and TWO fresh pairs of shorts. And our travel potty seat. It doesn't fit in my purse, so Paul shoves it in a bag for me. Classy.

We get in the van and start driving. David is asleep before the back wheels have reversed out of the driveway. I immediately know I am in big trouble.

We arrive at the theater around 1:45. Pete says, "mommy, are you going to leave David in the car?". I quickly decide this would be frowned upon, so I pick him up and carry him inside. He does wake up, thankfully, and starts moaning and yelling once we get inside. Nice. I pull my hair in my face to avoid the glares from onlooking movie go-ers. I look up to see a big sign that says BOX OFFICE CLOSED and I realize I have to purchase my tickets from those stupid debit machines. With a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old starting to race around the lobby. I use the first machine. I look over to see David hugging another woman's leg, thinking it is me. I look away and pretend he is not related to me.

I select Kung Fu Panda as my movie and an incredibly large warning comes up on the screen declaring "this movie is not suitable for children". WHAT?

Isn't it a children's movie? I see dozens of other young children there so I decide to bite the bullet and go for it. The next screen asks me to choose the time. I frantically try to choose 2:00, but it's not an option. But 2:30 is. That is 45 minutes from the point I am at now. That is a long, long, long time to wait for a movie in toddler time.

I wasn't expecting what happened next. The machine starts glowing angrily and up pop the words "there is a problem with your card" or whatever jargon they use for NO TICKETS FOR YOU, LOSER. I quickly check to make sure my children both have a pulse, and I move ahead to the next line. Ironically, the same issue occurs. I reach a third machine, which also refuses my card, and then another card, and then my credit card. We are really not going to get tickets. I again check for my kids and see them trying to inch into the drivers seat of those little race car game things they always place in the lobbies of movie theaters. You know, to drive mothers crazy and entice their children into becoming Formula One drivers.

David decided he needs to pee. There are no washrooms in the lobby, however, they save those special rooms for those with tickets - yes, bathrooms at the movie theater are restricted. I beg the ticket guy to let us through, tell him we are "potty training" and I show him my potty seat. He lets us in.

Pete and David insist on using the same stall, so the three of us are in there. I get David up on the seat, he starts clapping (we have trained him to do this to celebrate the release of any bodily function into the toilet), but I see nothing has come out. False alarm. Back to the lobby.

I ask the ticket rep how I might be able to purchase tickets, for the movie that is not suitable for my children. He explains I can get tickets at the concession counter. Fabulous. I head over there.

There are now ten people ahead of me in line. The boys start their laps of the lobby once again. People begin staring as I urge Pete and David to just give up their hopes of exploring and just stand quietly next to mommy. While we wait. Forever. For the people ahead of us who can't make up their minds. They eventually open up another cashier and specifically wave us over - fantastic!!! As I move to the new line, I can see David laying on the carpeted floor, eating dried, stepped-on popcorn off the ground. My stomach turns a little bit.

We do manage to get our popcorn (obviously in overrated and overpriced Kung Fu Panda buckets) and drinks and movie tickets. We make our way to theater number five, and David has to go to the potty, again. We rush in with our popcorn in tow and sit on the potty. Nothing. We wash our hands again and go to find our seats.

We managed to get pretty good seats close to the front. I get two boosters and the boys sit happily with their popcorn and drinks for about 20 minutes. Happily, not quietly. I answer 567 questions - 565 of them are "when will the movie start mommy?". I'm slightly exhausted by this point and can only mutter a weak "soon". The previews begin and all is good in the world. There is some loud yelling and excitement during the Pixar's WALL-E preview as Pete tells the entire audience he is going to see that in Nova Scotia with his Nana.

And so the movie begins!!! It's cute and funny, in the first few minutes. I love Jack Black so I can already tell I'm going to thoroughly enjoy the movie. About ten minutes in, David starts to fidget. I tell him to keep eating popcorn and watch the movie. "I have to pee, mommy."

So I drag he and Pete back to the bathroom for a third time, in which the child still does not pee or poop or fart or anything. Back to our seats. By this time he really cannot sit still and gets up to walk around. (The theater is packed, the movie is actually sold out). I grab him a couple times and bring him back to our assigned seats (assigned by me!!). And although I should have seen it coming . . . I really didn't. David starts screaming, a high pitched, shrill type of scream that sort of causes one to be thwarted from his/her seat. Followed by a couple good "I WANT TO GO HOMEs". I felt defeated and really didn't know what to do. Pete was so totally engrossed in the movie he didn't even hear David screaming. I duck down - because I had been standing - and whisper to Pete "we have to leave, honey". He looks at me in disbelief. I can see his thoughts in his eyes - "we just got here, why would we possibly be leaving?". It causes me great pain to have to drag Pete out of there, but I had to do it. Nothing I could do would calm David down at this point. As we get outside I quickly tell Pete we will allow him to come back to see the movie at some other time.

"But it will be over, mommy." I tell him no, they run the movie over and over again several times a day so they will make money. He was pretty good about the whole thing, for which I was truly grateful. If he had melted down to the degree David did, I likely would have crawled in a garbage bin and curled up in the fetal position.

And so there you have it. This was the tale of the day we left Kung Fu Panda after seeing less than 30 minutes of the actual movie. After spending $43.50 on tickets, popcorn, and drinks. As we approached the lobby and started to leave the building, David once again started to disintegrate and began begging to go back into the movie. I took the boys home and learned a valuable lesson that day.

Children are more unpredictable than I will ever grasp.

Note: Yes, the boys have been to live movies before. David (at age 2 1/2) saw Horton Hears a Who and sat in his seat for the entire movie. He used kind words on that day like "thank you" and "I like the movie, mommy".